On New Year’s Eve, I decided I was going to “go public” with my mental health situation as I was tired of hiding myself and all that jazz… The post below is a direct copy of what I shared that day on social media. In my personal journal, I had pasted a photo of a baby turtle hatching from its egg, so keep that in mind when you start reading 

Chapter 1: The Empowered Turtle

(For the Spanish version of this entry please follow this link)

You’re probably wondering what’s the deal with the badass, empowered turtle. Fair enough. For some time I’ve been thinking about how to best deal with my desire to be honest with both myself & those around me regarding my mental health. A long time back I talked to Mitch about starting a blog of some sort, but I chickened out. Life has been full of ups & downs, and when I hit a ‘down’ I really don’t want to be letting anyone into my mind. It’s hard enough talking about things sometimes even with my closest friends, so naturally it’s terrifying to think of being vulnerable around others, even if I have no reason to think I’d face any attacks or mockery. But it’s scary, it’s daunting, it’s hard, everyone has that fear of being vulnerable, of being hurt, of being mocked, of being judged, of being labeled as something, or being blackmailed perhaps. Yet when we see other people open up it can be so powerful, refreshing, enlightening, and in my case it has been extremely helpful.  I think I’m finally ready for that big leap of faith. I have thought about it about this at length, debated the pro’s and con’s, usually ending with me getting cold feet. So why do it? In one of my discussion with myself, one of many, I came to realize that the main reason I am scared of others to know about my ‘situation’, sort to speak, is the fear of being misunderstood and consequently judged and consequently being treated differently (in a negative way). 

Let’s take one step back then. Why would people react/think/treat me in a certain way? Most likely because they themselves don’t understand or don’t know or don’t want to know about it. Now I cannot change how others feel, or think, or act, but I can give them the opportunity to learn; from then on, everyone has the right to have their own opinion. I’ve always believed that knowledge is the key to understanding. So perhaps I can contribute to the knowledge pool. Yet, knowledge is not everything. I also think experience is crucial for a paradigm shift to occur. Someone may know or research or read lots about a topic such as depression, suicide, racism, homophobia, islamophobia, etc., but if you have not experienced it yourself you may never quite understand it. 

Perhaps, there is someone else out there going through the same (or similar) challenges as me, and they might think they are alone, or broken, or weak, or a cry baby, or a “crazy person”, or a failure, or an embarrassment. Perhaps they’ve already reached the point where death is a more appealing option than dragging yourself through another hollow day, or a day full of sadness, when you’re so exhausted from crying, or the days when you barely recognize yourself. 

So, I think today I am sharing this for three reasons: to shed light into mental health, to let others know they are not alone, and for my own healing. I want to start the New Year being more open, I want to work on loving everything about myself, and work on self-care, maybe even break my personal record for longest time without self-harming? Who knows! 

Mental health is so misunderstood, and I just want to do my part to help dissipate the ‘mystery’ and the taboos around it. Over two years ago I was officially diagnosed with severe clinical depression, anxiety, borderline personality traits, and even before that I knew I was dealing with PTSD. Today, I am on medication, I have a wonderful support network, a psychiatrist, and a counselor. Yes I have self-harmed, attempted suicide, broken a lot of stuff, and there was a period of time where I considered leaving this world as an escape on a daily basis. But these are the things I am not: I’m not just gloomy, I’m not being ungrateful, I’m not seeking attention, I’m sure as heck not weak and I am not hiding anymore. If you’ve read this far, thank you for investing your time. I don’t know if I’ll ever go on to starting that blog or not, but for now I am proud enough of what I am doing, how I’m doing it, and I’m eternally grateful to all those people in my support network for saving my life. I hope one day I can help someone else in return. 

Happy New Year to all! I know I’m happy to be here today, and I hope you are too, whatever your life journey looks like.