Hello again to everyone out there. It’s been a minute, and in that minute, my baby was born and I am now, officially, a momma. That sounds INSANE. I’m a mom! I have a baby! My husband and I are parents! YIKES! The doggies have a human sibling! WHAAAT!?

I want to keep this entry pretty light, but trust me there is a lot I need to unpack and want to eventually share with you regarding the more challenging aspects of postpartum mental health. Has it all been sunshine and butterflies? No. But, I am still here, baby is healthy and well and so I am very grateful for that.

One day after, so happy I survived it

First of all, it still feels surreal at times to look over the bassinet and see this tiny little human that has only been on this earth for less than a couple of weeks. Baby is gorgeous, adorable, perfect, incredible, I could write adjectives all day and still never run out of wonderful things to say about him. I was warned that once I had a child, I would discover a new level of love never experienced before, and that was 100% accurate. I’m already a very emotional person, an empath, and I love very hard, sometimes to my demise. Now, that just reached a new degree of intensity that literally hurts my chest. I have cried so much since he arrived, both happy and sad tears, but even the happy ones I cannot control or restrain. I am so happy and so full and so excited for this new chapter. Since baby is healthy and since my partner is so amazingly supportive, there is a lot to be happy and smile about.

Another interesting side-effect of having my baby is my newly found appreciation for my body. And this time it is completely genuine. As most of you already know, I have been battling with disordered eating habits and with body dysmorphia for years; being pregnant, I started looking at things differently because the well-being of baby was more important than my disorders, and I didn’t have much time to hate on myself cus I was always sick anyways! Baby was eventually delivered via cesarean (after HOURS of torturous labour–a story for another entry!), which I was aware would result in longer recovery and more physical limitations. After coming home that first day and getting out of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror and for the FIRST time in over 16 or so years I was able to say “thank you” to my body and “I love you” to every single lump of me. This is a massive deal for me. For a long time I have been working on accepting my body, on body neutrality, and while I made leaps and bounds of improvement through the coaching and counseling and self-work (like what I did with Mia), I never was able to get to that point of being able to see myself in a mirror and at the very least tolerate what I saw. And trust me, I tried and failed A LOT. But now, all of the sudden, I was like “you know what, fuck everything else. My body made this baby, this miracle, and that is fucking awesome.”. And I cried for a while. I cried and I wept and I grieved all that time I lost, all the energy and hatred that was funneled at my body for so long, for over half of my life. I felt ashamed and guilty for treating myself like shit, and it was like a cathartic release. Now, I don’t know if I will be able to maintain this attitude or perspective from now on, but for now, I’m gonna ride it out. I’ll definitely be writing about this more as I recover. As of right now, my priority (aside of caring for baby) is to take my medications, clean my incision, rest, limit my activity, and everything else I need to get back to normal in the following weeks. The recovery takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks, so I got at least 2 more weeks before I can try to lift heavier things. I’m not very good at sitting still so I’ve been pushing my limits already, so I gotta do better at that.

Initial breasfeeding times!

I’m still taking all my medications, as well as some additional supplements because apparently my iron is very low. Good thing is, now that baby is out, I can eat again! YAY! I have not thrown up ONCE since delivery day. Let me remind you, the “morning sickness” plagued me until the day before he was born, so 39 weeks and two days of HG finally have come to an end. I can eat again, it feels amazing! 😀

So there you have it, I am feeling much better and loving baby. Of course, I also have had super rough nights, lots of crying, lots of pain from breastfeeding, and several mental breakdowns. I will be talking about that side of things, too, but I am not ready yet and I do not know when I will be.  What I can tell you right away is that I have been given a new amazing resource for postpartum mental health (for British Columbia) so I will share that in case anyone else may need it: Pacific Post Partum Support Society. 

I definitely continue to experience some very intense depression moments, whether we label it as postpartum depression or just a continuation of my already-existing depression, who cares, but the thoughts and the experiences are there. I still need help, and I still am working on being safe and healthy. Please reach out if you, too, are struggling (pregnant or not!). There is so much going on right now, so much I am still processing, so please be patient and know that I will be sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly of my journey at some point, but I need to be ready to do that…

That’s all for now folks, hope I can sneak in time to write again soon!

Lots of love,

–
Karen ❤